Hold onto sixteen
by Malakina
Summary: Cassie isn't a goddam ugly duckling waiting to become a swan. She's an ugly duckling, and she's going to own it. Even if Evan Walker doesn't understand it. Even if Ben Parish does. Based loosely in The Infinite Sea.


I always feel like Cassie is such a badass but she doesn't believes it. So I gave her a boost of confidence in this one-shot. Hope you like it.

 **Disclaimer:** Everything you recognize is Rick Yancey's. The rest is mine.

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 **Hold onto sixteen**

He saved her. He healed her. He kissed her, and told her that she was the reason of his humanity _._ For goodness sake, he even _bathed_ her.

It feels good been around Evan Walker, if we ignore the fact that he lied to her, several times. But he _did_ save her. And Sammy. And her new friends.

Evan constantly says that Cassie means everything to him, and she _likes_ it. She had never been anyone's everything. Never had a guy look at her like Evan does. She always stared enviously at the couples in her high school, kissing and hugging and experiencing all those new feelings that made them feel confused and nervous, but they shared them together, and that somehow made it all easier. Evan gave Cassie her first real kiss and _damn,_ he is a really good kisser. He also gave her hope. And that's irreplaceable.

But while sitting in that hotel, everything falling around them, she stops and thinks about what those feelings actually mean. Is she really in love with Evan? Or is she in love with the way he makes her feel? Evan is the dream: handsome, smart, strong and only has eyes for her. He's the typical hero of every Young Adult book she used to read. Finally, when the hot guy lays his eyes in the nerdy girl, the probably nerdier reader feels relieved, because there's hope for anyone, even for a girl like _her._ She will never admit it out loud, but she had been that girl. Ringer was completely right with everything she said about her. Cassie envies her confidence, even though she's pretty confident herself. But she's really self-conscious as well. She overthinks everything. She overanalyzes everything. She reads into every word everyone says.

But, what if she's tired of been _that_ girl? What if she doesn't want to be the ugly duckling anymore who just magically turns into a beautiful swan when the dumb guy of the _freaking_ stupid novel asks her to prom? Cassie Sullivan is really tired of been seen that way, of feeling that way. And yes, it's the _goddam_ apocalypse, but if she ought to die she was going to die feeling like a badass.

And Evan Walker doesn't think she's a badass. Sure, she's strong and she's able to use a gun, but he will always see her as the girl he rescued in the road. He even read her _freaking_ diary, where she wrote all her insecurities. She does believe in sometimes being vulnerable with someone you care about, but not _that_ vulnerable. Those things she wrote…some of them are awful. She had it before the Others came and she had written pages and pages on how she completely despised herself. Did Evan feel sorry for her? And most importantly, does he still do?

"Sullivan, are you there?" Cassie yanks out of her line of thoughts. Of course. It had to be. Freaking Ben I-look-like-I'm-a-freaking-real-zombie-but-I'm-as-hot-as-ever Parish.

"Something's up?" she asks, picking up her M16.

"No, no" he answers, slightly giggling. Since when does Ben Parish giggle? "I was wondering if you will play UNO with me. I'm tired of Teacup kicking my ass in chess" he comments, looking down at the floor, little grin on his face and hand rubbing his neck.

Wait. A. Freaking. Second.

What is he doing? Why is he staring at the floor like a shy teenage boy? Wait. Why is he talking to her like she had talk to him before the Others?

"I mean, I don't think I have a full deck of cards, but…" he continues, keeps on looking at his feet.

"Parish" Cassie says, sharply "Cut the crap. What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?" he questions, as innocently as ever.

"You know what I mean. The grin, the neck rubbing, the awkwardness"

Ben Parish looks at her right in the eyes and gives her one of his best smiles, although it looks more like a smirk.

"What? Can a guy ask out a girl on this days?"

Sorry, what? Did he say _ask_ out? What the hell is going on? This is even weirder than the whole "destroy the world" the Others had on them. The situation is surreal.

"Is that a no?" Ben proceeds "Because I know you've got a thing with Walker…"

"I don't" she abruptly cuts him "Well, sort of. But I'm not really sure where it's going"

"So then?" he inquires, and he really seems interested. Cassie knows that back in high school she felt for a guy she didn't even knew and that she could sometimes have been a bit of a stalker and picture a future together with him when they've hardly exchanged a few words.

But it's different now. She knows him now in the most visceral way, when everyone thought every moment was their last. Ben isn't exactly how she thought he would be, but he did have to go through a lot of changes after all the Waves, like she did. He's as kind and thoughtful as she always imagined he was, though. After all, he _came back_ for her brother, like she did. They have that in common. And it's way more than a conversation in the bus on the way to middle school.

"Ben Parish, you are about the luckiest guy in the world" Cassie stands up, holding up her M16 with one hand and with the other taking Ben's "Because Cassie Sullivan is about to go out on a date with you at the fanciest place in town"

Ben cackles at her comment, but he does it light-hearted.

"I am the luckiest guy in the world, Sullivan. You are about the prettiest girl in the room" he affirms, and they both approach the rusty table on the side of the room, where he had place the deck of cards together with a bunch of other random things.

And yes, Cassie _knows_ she is the only girl in the room because Ringer had go out for food and Teacup was way too young. But she really likes that about Ben: he made her feel special, and he doesn't even have to say she meant everything to him. Cassie's sure Ben priorities are everyone in the room plus Ringer, and although she's included in that group, she isn't the only thought in his mind.

And she really liked that.

Because Cassie loves herself too much to have a guy treat her like porcelain. And yes, Evan thinks highly of her, but he will _always_ think she needs to be protected by him. She doesn't blame him: after all, he was an alien with supernatural abilities and he's the only one strong enough to face the Others. But Ben trusts her. He knows that even if she can't protect herself against the enemies, she can damn sure try so. What Evan doesn't understand is that she doesn't need a Prince Charming. She just needs someone to back her up. And she isn't sure if that's Evan.

She isn't sure if that is Ben either, but at least he doesn't play the "No, you are not doing this because I want to protect you, and you have no choice" card, and most definitely he doesn't play the "Oh, you are doing it? I'll go with you, even though you specifically asked me not to do so" And yes, she is aware Evan saved her life. And Ben did so too. And the best part? Cassie also saved Ben's life.

The thing is, Cassie doesn't want to be the ugly duckling waiting to become a swan. And that's just how Evan sees her: a swan waiting to blossom. But what he doesn't know is that she would never be a _goddam_ swam, Ringer could take that place easily. She _was_ the ugly duckling, and she wanted to own it. She doesn't need a boy to make her feel beautiful: she already knows she is.

For the moment, she just wants a boy to play UNO with her and trust her, like _really_ trust her _._

And maybe is because Ben Parish is the only boy age appropriate in the room, but he fits the type quite well.

And yes, she knows they're in the _damn apocalypse,_ but you are only a sixteen-year-old girl once, aren't you?

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Thank you for reading. Please leave a review and favorite/follow the story.

 **Malakina**


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